Unspoken Gratitude Is Indifference

Why good intentions aren’t enough to make your team feel seen.

As a good leader, you already know the truth. You know that you are not at this alone. When you look at your team’s wins such as the innovation or momentum building in your organization, you know that this didn’t happen by yourself. Your organization thrives not because of you but because of the invisible hands all moving in the same direction day after day.

Silence is not a language

The problem isn’t that we don’t know this.
The problem is that we rarely say it.

Too often we assume the team knows they are valued. You may even acknowledge someone’s work publicly, which is well and good, but it is not enough.

Or worse, we assume that the paycheck, the annual review, or the lack of criticism from us communicates appreciation.

But silence is not a language.
Unspoken gratitude looks exactly like indifference.

I see this also in my marriage. At times when I don’t name the gratitude specifically for things my wife has done, it comes across as indifference. When it comes up, it stings, because I know that words unspoken are no words at all.

We need to name the reality we already know, which is that meaningful progress is never a solo act. It is the cumulative force of individuals working together that drives the mission forward.

Designed for dependence

God, in His being, needs nothing. He is self-sufficient, complete in Himself. But when He created us, when He breathed life into dust, He wove a dependency into our DNA. “It is not good for man to be alone” was the first assessment of the human condition. We were not designed to be solitary heroes.

We were designed to be threads in a fabric, relying on the strength of the weave to hold us together.

We see this lived out in the leadership of the Apostle Paul in his letters to the churches. He consistently identified and thanked in detail specific people who labored alongside him.

He names Timothy, thanking God constantly “night and day” for him and getting specific saying, “I recall your sincere faith that first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and now, I am convinced, is in you also” (2 Tim. 1:3, 5).

He names Philemon, telling him, “I always thank my God when I mention you in my prayers because I hear of your love for all the saints and the faith that you have had in the Lord Jesus” (Philem. 1:4).

He recognizes Titus for his earnest care for the team saying “for he welcomed our appeal and, being very diligent, went out to you by his own choice.” He goes on to outline the specifics (2 Cor 8:16–17). He recognized that his work was contingent on their partnership.

He named Timothy, Philemon, and Titus, recognizing them because of their support in the gospel.

The fellowship of the work

Tolkien also has a way of painting the deep truths of reality into his stories. He shows us the corrupting nature of power and the unexpected strength of the humble. But there is another dynamic that resonates with the work of leadership. He gives us Frodo, the “hero,” who is constantly tempted to pull away. Frodo wants to protect others by carrying the burden in isolation. But the story only moves forward because Sam Gamgee refuses to let him. Sam says:

“If you don’t come back, sir, then I shan’t, that’s certain,” Sam says. … “I am going with him, if he climbs to the Moon.”

Sam’s power is his presence. Frodo carries the Ring, but Sam carries Frodo.

The science of gratitude

When you stop to genuinely thank the “Sams” in your organization, you are doing more than being polite. You are physically shifting your brain, and theirs. Research shows that expressing gratitude releases dopamine and serotonin, the neurotransmitters responsible for joy and balance.¹ It engages the prefrontal cortex, moving us out of stress-induced tunnel vision and into clarity.

But the way we do this matters. The data suggests that public, performative praise is often less appreciated than private, “costly” gratitude.² “Costly” doesn’t mean expensive. It means it cost you time and attention.

Make it specific

So next week when you’re back at work, look for the invisible work and make your gratitude specific.

• Look for the gatekeeper. Maybe it is the administrative assistant who manages your calendar so you can actually think. They absorb the chaos so you can have clarity.

• Look for the lateral support. Think of the colleague in a different department who answers your questions when they don’t have to, or who helps you navigate a blind spot outside your expertise.

• Look for the invisible hands. Consider the cleaning crew you might never see, yet every morning your trash is empty and the space is ready for work.

Don’t just think about them. Act.

Sometimes writing is an act of teaching yourself. This is one of those times. As I sit here, Endel Deep Focus playing against the interrupted clack of the mechanical keyboard, I see, no I feel the disconnect. The hard truth is that virtue has no memory. It doesn’t care what you did yesterday. It only cares what you are willing to build again today.

So, write a note. Use a pen and paper. The friction of ink on the page proves you paused. Or walk to their desk, look them in the eye, and tell them specifically what their work allows you to do. “Because you handled that logistics issue, I was able to focus on the strategy.”

We are not alone. We never were. Let’s make sure the people around us know it.

1. Forbes Business Council. “The Neuroscience of Gratitude: A Leadership Perspective.” Forbes, November 5, 2024. https://www.forbes.com/councils/forbesbusinesscouncil/2024/11/05/the-neuroscience-of-gratitude-a-leadership-perspective/

2. David R. Dunaetz and Peggy Lanum, “What Forms of Gratitude Expression Are Most Appreciated?: Applications for Christian Leaders,” The Journal of Applied Christian Leadership 14, no. 1 (2020): 66.